Day Eleven: The Weirdness Is Staggering

30 11 2008

My intention was to hit you up with an interesting post about the best in how-to sites including my favorite videos from Expert Village (I have no idea who Rachel Dayan is or where she came from, but she is so boring, yet so entertaining. People all over the YouTubes have decried her crafts as crap, but I can’t stop watching). But then I stumbled upon the site for a South Bend, Ind.-based company called Pantalaine. According to their tagline, Pantalaine provides “America’s finest plural clothing.” I don’t know who these people really are and I can’t call to find out because there was no contact information on the site, but I want to know who thought of this and why. Mind you, I’m not endorsing said creepiness, but is worth at least a click through.

A visit to their site will net a variety of joined-at-the-hip duds such as the “Support Shirt”, three longsleeve cotton tops with the cuffs of some sleeves sewn to the back of an adjacent shirt.

Pantalaine's Support Shirt

Ahh, support. Sweet!

As much as I love my friends, I don’t love them enough to dress up in a sewn together shirt. Maybe on Halloween, but even then you couldn’t get away from one another without flashing your grand tetons to the world, and the poor person in the middle can’t even get her drink on. That’s so not worth nineteen bucks or the impending ridicule.

Then there’s this gem. It’s a slip cover! It’s a dress! It’s…a couch dress?! WTF?

Is this REALLY what's hot in the streets?!

Is this REALLY what's hot in the streets?!



Yes, ladies, when you’re ready to cozy up with your dude, just slip on this bit of sexiness made from stank, discarded crocheted blankets from the Salvation Army and get it on. All I can say is wow.

And dudes, don’t think you’re off the hook.

You can get close to two of your buddies in the most homo-erotic way possible with…wait for it…the SHAMROCKER!


Pucker up, buttercup.

Pucker up, buttercup.

Oh Mark, are Rick and Steve keeping all the kisses to themselves? Well, not anymore. Get your Chapstick and Family Guy DVDs ready ’cause you and your ‘bros are gonna be closer than ever!

Man, just the name of this thing alone screams sex toy. 

For the duetically inclined, there’s the du Punk, two worked-over, patched up jean jackets held together by an excessive number of safety pins; the Hug Jacket, which kind of sucks ’cause for $80 only one person is kept completely warm; and Hand Holding mittens and gloves. Let’s not talk about the group-length belts, elf hats, and shoes–completely ridiculous. The book mitten thing is kind of fly though. I mean, so often while reading War and Peace, my hands get really cold and I wish I had a book cover with built-in mittens. See kids, dreams really do come true.

Make yours a happy home and keep your kids from 'hanging from your tits'

Make yours a happy home.

And these pants would’ve been perfect for Diahann Carroll when she starred in Claudine in the ’70s. There’s enough hanging on space for six kids, the social worker Miss Kaybeck, and Rupe. And all of them would have to hang off of her legs instead of her tits (her words, not mine). The latter would really hurt and lead to majorly sagging boobage.